They never told you

Trigger Warning: No violent context, but some experiences may trigger more powerful instances.

They told me boys were friends with boys and girls were friends with girls. That boys had cooties and girls were better.

They even told me (when I did not even understand what it meant) never to let a man use me or take advantage of me. They told me not to sleep with a man and end up with a child or a disease I did not want.

They never told me how when I finally began to make male friends, how we were expected to like each other because of our gender.

They never told me that I would have crushes on girls too, and that was normal.

They never told me how disappointing my first kiss would be, and how infatuation was the only emotion I would desire in my teen years.

They never told me how real love would feel, and how loving someone for whatever reason inevitably equated to guilt tripping conversations about going to bed.

They told me I was weird for masturbating, and gave me strange looks at how comfortable I was with my sexuality.

I did not understand why people would be ashamed by their sexuality.

They never told me how dirty I would feel for loving with my mouth.
They never told me I felt dirty not because of the act, but because of the pressure behind it.

They never told me how used I would feel when you would take me home after you finished if we ever saw each other.

You never told me that if I'm not ready then I don't have to.

They did not tell me that my body belongs to me and I do what I want with it. Regardless of how much I tried to explain it.

They never told me how grateful I would be when my next partner did not pressure me at all in any sexual manner.

They never told me that he would want me to shave myself like a child but not do the same.

They never told me the unbearable itching sensation that came with shaving.

They never told me that in all my acts in pleasing you and requests to be pleased the same, that you did not have to do the same.

They did not tell me that I would still be grateful because there was somebody out there who would not pressure me in the way I was raised to expect.

They did not tell me not to put a time limit on things, and not to compare my experiences to others.

They did not tell me men would make "bets" about me losing my virginity.
They did not tell me in these bets, that if I "lost" then they win having sex with me.

They did not tell me men would not want to be with me if I were with a certain number of men, regardless of how many women they have been with.

They told me that once men weren't virgins, that they could not abstain in any future relationships.

They didn't tell me that I would make excuses for men who had to sleep with me in order to be in a healthy relationship with me.

They never told me what pleasure would be like.

They never told me I would be surprised for not feeling guilty after my first time.

They never told you that it is unhealthy to sleep with somebody because they've asked you enough times.

They never told me what a healthy sexual relationship was like.

They never told you that faking it does not help you or your partner.

They never told me that men and women can be platonic friends.

They never told me to fear for male friends in college, instead, it came naturally due to the socialized fear that men are predators who only want to be with me sexually and could not just be a friend.

They never told me that other people would judge me for my personal choices.

They never told me that virginity is a social construct.

They never told me my second sexual partner would be a terrible partner.
They never told me that's perfectly okay and doesn't mean jack shit.

They never told me I would care so much about other women's sexual experiences and wish to support them.

They told me that love and sex are very different, but if you're lucky you can have both. And if you're lucky you can also just have one because both are perfectly beautiful on their own.

I don't know what else to say. These are my experiences and experiences of those I have heard of.

Thank you.

Don't Tickle The Duck

Hello,

I am writing here because I want to be able to share my experiences with others. Although they are important to me, I also want to share other peoples' stories. I think that it's important to learn through others' experiences. I am lucky in a sense that I do not have the same hardships as others and can learn without that pain. In another sense, I am unfortunate because the experiences I hold to myself aren't as impacting or profound. In time, I'll find my adventures and gain more stories, but for now I'll share through an observational and passive perspective.

To start things off, I am a feminist. I know I still have a lot to learn and ways to go on my activist adventure, but I want to address something that has been on my mind for some time now. (Trigger warning - no violent or graphic language but could be triggering regarding consent).

I work at a daycare and work with children anywhere between the ages of 4 months-12 years old.
As expected, both girls and boys typically play the extremes on the spectrum of gender roles. The girls dress up like princesses and pretend to be in distress, waiting for their prince to save them. They act as feminine girls are expected to act, and everyone's favorite color is pink (including mine). The boys on the other hand are all about iron man or spider man or whatever super hero they idolize. They play games using destruction and violence as outlets to their masculinity. They more easily show feelings of aggression and anger and tend to be more physical in their tantrums.

This is not the surprising or upsetting part of this blog post. Yes, stereotypes perpetuated by society dramatically affects children and makes them desire to act in certain ways. That is not an issue. It only becomes an issue when the messages we (adults) are sending and the actions we follow do not line up. (Also, the gender roles are an issue, but a separate issue and not necessarily something to address head-on in daycare age).

Teachers and parents all day can tell children how important it is to respect and listen to one another, but then they will read books or interact with each other and deliver conflicting messages. Like the book. That book.

I can't blame the book, but the book is practically why I wanted to write in the first place.

According to Amazon, Tickle the Duck "in this hilarious touch-and-feel book, a cranky duck dares children to tickle his soft stomach, his hairy armpit, his rubbery foot-and reacts uproariously each time. Despite his protests, does the duck really like being tickled after all?"

Sounds and looks innocent enough. The book is embellished with texture duck parts to touch and feel soft and fluffy. The duck is laughing hysterically when the reader is encouraged to Tickle the Duck. 
In reality the children dig this book. They think it's hilarious. They tickle and mockingly laugh as the duck would if he were being tickled. They beg me to read it to them.

Yet, ever since my first encounter with this book I felt an overwhelming sense of discomfort.

Perhaps because it teaches children not to value the words of the duck. 
This duck directly states to the reader, "don't tickle me" and then after, guess what happens? He is tickled. And he enjoys it.

In this age group, especially at daycare (1-3 years), children are beginning to develop verbally and cannot fully express themselves. Rather than talking and dealing with their emotions in other healthy and appropriate manners...they more express it physically. A very common example of this would be when a classmate steals a toy from another. The child who was wronged might hit and/or bite to send the message that they want that toy back rather than talk about it like adults or even older children typically would.

I wouldn't want the first words my child understands to be that it's okay to do something to somebody else, even if they insistingly oppose it so strongly. 

This book justifies continuing to do something to somebody else without consent. After the character is forced to be tickled, it is portrayed as funny and cute because the duck wanted to be tickled the whole time.

What a dangerous message to deliver to our children.

By no means am I trying to blame the book alone. This book does not teach children to rape! - I know that is a stretch and the structure of society has many contributing factors. This book alone is not the cause of it, but a product of that culture.
What this book does do is reinforce a message which discredits the importance of spoken consent. Just as many other components in media, every day conversation, and factors of our culture will reinforce. 
I mean, It already is - women don't know what they want, they mean the opposite of what they say, it's not rape if she enjoys it, etc.

Although this book is not to that extreme, it sends the clear message that the duck wanted to be tickled the whole time even though he said no. And that's not something I want to be teaching my kids. That's not how life should work.